Attack of the Mary Sues
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Cliche title. Cliche Sues. Cliche OOC. Cliche . . . you get the idea. The Death Eaters first clued in by their suddenly numerous new recruits - recruits of nothing but underage teenage girls. So they go back to where the problem first started - Hogwarts, Marauder Era. But fitting in with the student body is harder than it seems - and there may well be a Mary Sue in their midst.
1. Chapter 1

**I know, I know, a lot of people have done these . . .**

It was a normal day in the Death Eater hideout. Voldemort was flipping through a booklet of naked men, while Bellatrix and Draco sat side by side gazing dreamily at pictures of Hermione which Draco had taken during Potions class. And all his other classes. Because Slytherin was with Gryffindor are all in the same classes now. Severus wasn't here, and for the rest of them . . . well, they're not sexy enough to matter, are they?

"Hello, Draco m'boy!" Lucius said jovially, strutting through the front door and throwing his briefcase at his son's stomach. Draco sniffed and turned the other way. After all, the poor boy had been abused all his life.

"Where's Severus?" Lucius asked, looking around.

"Teaching, isn't he?" Bellatrix said.

"Draco's ditching school again, is he?" Lucius said, grinning proudly. "The naughty boy! Now Draco, go take my stuff upstairs and shine my shoes and iron my robes and drink the toilet water and then clean the toilet and wash my fishnets and clean the blood off your aunt's playthings. NOW!" Cowering, Draco obeyed. He knew very well what would happen if he didn't.

Lucius nodded. Things were just as they should be. He headed off pompously to Skype with his pureblood buddies.

Then Wormtail entered the room. Bellatrix and Voldemort had not moved. Cowering like the pathetic little rat he was, Wormtail blinked at the image. Something seemed . . . wrong. But no, it couldn't be. He was just a stupid little rat, what did he know? Wormtail backed out of the room once more.

After school was out, Severus returned to the Death Eater hideout, as all teachers do.

"Severus!" Nagini said. "You look terrible. What are you doing here? D'you want me to grab Bellatrix, so she can come and make the rest of your life look very good in comparison to today?"

"No, Nagini," Severus said curtly. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. A purple-haired girl with bright blue eyes and the most beautiful face one could imagine had confessed her love for him in the middle of Potions class. Celeste Jasmina Aailyah Rome Haviland (and that wasn't the end - Severus couldn't be expected to remember all her extensive middle names). He was very certain that he had never seen nor heard of this girl before, but no one else seemed to think her much out of place.

"Alright, well, what are you doing here?"

"Don't I come here after classes every day?" But Nagini was right - maybe it was a bit unusual . . . no, don't think that. Nagini spent all her time staring at trees; she didn't notice anything.

" . . . no." Nagini cocked her head, then confessed, "You're not the only one acting a bit weird, though. Bellatrix and the Dark Lord have been in the same room, alone, for hours. No interaction. No grovelling, no makeout sessions, nothing. And Draco was at home today, too."

"Of course he was. Draco's in suspension for being caught having sex in the Forbidden Forest with some girl. Way, I think her name was?"

"Hm. Well . . ."

"Snape!" Voldemort screeched. "Snape, come over here this instant!" Severus departed instantly.

"Yes my Lord?"

"We've got a new recruit," Voldemort said, gesturing to a drop-dead gorgeous girl beside him. Her hair was shimmery white tipped with bright blood red, and she was dressed head to toe in ripped leather with high-heel knee-high boots. Her eyes were bright iridescent green. "This is Emerald."

"After my eyes," the girl said, fluttering her overlong eyelashes. "But my full name's Emerald Esmyreldya Eowmyri Isotope Ichabald."

"I want you to show her around and make her feel right at home," Voldemort said. "She's probably the most powerful Death Eater I'll ever find."

Right at home? This was the Death Eater hideout! But Severus didn't say anything - the Dark Lord was acting a bit weird, but that didn't mean he'd forgotten how to use the Cruciatus.

"An honor, my Lord. Come, Emerald. I'll introduce you to Bellatrix . . . tell her everything the Dark Lord said." Severus managed a tight-lipped smirk at the thought of Bellatrix' face when being confronted by "the most powerful Death Eater ever found."

"So you're Severus Snape?" Emerald said, flipping her waist-length shimmery black hair over her pale, perfectly shaped shoulder. "I'm Emerald."

"I know."

"I'm fifteen; I graduated from Hogwarts two years early because Dumbledore said that he couldn't teach me anymore. I'm a Slytherin and when I was eleven I became an Animagus. I can turn into a snake. Voldemort - yeah, I say his name, don't flinch -"

"I'm not flinching."

"- he saw me doing a really complex Mortvius spell - you know, the one that brings people back from the dead?"

"There is no such thing."

"Yes there is, I invented it in third year. Voldemort killed my family, but I was kinda scared to bring them back because they were all grossly abusive - except my little sister, of course. What an angel! Anyway, I finally brought them back, and Voldemort saw, and he just knew he had to recruit me! I'm glad to serve. All those Gryffindors were annoying."

She tucked her hair behind her perfectly shaped ear, revealing about twenty piercings, all of which glinted with emerald snakes. When Severus failed to comment (the sight made him feel vaguely ill), she stood on tiptoes and leaned over so her ear was two inches from his eyes. Then, due to her adorable clumsiness, she tripped over nothing and fell.

Severus didn't catch her. He tried to laugh, but discovered he'd forgotten how. Understandable, as no one ever loved or even cared for him whatsoever. God, he was so alone in life . . .

Why was he thinking this again?

Emerald stood indignantly, swinging her hips around in total indignation. "That was very rude of you, you ungrateful bastard!" she shouted.

_Ungrateful for what?_ "You're going to have to learn to curb your tongue if you intend to survive here," Severus snarled. And she was a Hogwarts alumni, she said? He had no memory of her.

"I will not be pushed around like that!" Emerald continued. Severus ignored her. It would probably be kinder to kill the girl now, he reflected - it was better than facing Bellatrix' wrath.

Too late. Bellatrix stepped out of a doorway.

"Been experimenting on Muggles again, have you, Snape?" she said, cackling with delight upon seeing Emerald. Still giggling (_Is she drunk?_ Severus wondered), Bellatrix sauntered over and put one clawed hand around Severus' waist. Severus leapt away instantly; surprisingly sexy or not, Bellatrix was still Bellatrix.

Something flickered in Bellatrix' face. "Oh, so you're with your little plastic test subject instead?"

"What? What the hell are you on about?"

"Nothing you would understand, Snivellus!" Bellatrix said shrilly. _And where did she hear that?_ Wormtail was going to suffer . . .

Before Severus could form one more coherent thought, however, Bellatrix had begun screaming "_Cruico! Cruico!_" And - to his own vast dismay - Severus began to scream bloody murder. Why he wasn't sure. He was usually third at least in the Crucio game, second when Fenrir was absent (for those of you who don't know, the Crucio Game is when Voldemort holds everyone under the Cruciatus. The last one to scream wins).

"Stop it. Stop it!" Emerald said, as Bellatrix took out her knife and began to repeatedly stab Severus in the gut. As if it weren't common practice.

"Crookshanks!" Emerald screamed, her wand pointing at Bellatrix. Or she tried to point it at Bellatrix. Due to her clumsiness, however, she tripped and actually pointed it at Severus. White-hot pain even more brutal than Bellatrix' Crucios and cursed blade shot through his spine, causing him to go into spasms.

"Having an attack Snape party, are we?" Nagini asked, stepping in from who-knows-where to view the scene with another disorienting change of perspective. There was a girl who smelt of perfume which was clearly supposed to smell natural but fell far short Nagini had never seen before, holding her wand over a seizuring Severus, who was being stabbed repeatedly in the gut by Bellatrix. This was all explained in the last few paragraphs, but it should be repeated, lest you forget.

"_Crookshanks!_" Emerald shouted. "_Crookshanks! Crookshanks!_"

"Crookshanks isn't even a spell," Bellatrix said, pausing from her constant stabbing to lick Severus' blood off her knife, cutting her tongue in the process. "It's a cat."

"How do you know that?" Emerald asked, flipping her chocolate brown hair over her shoulder.

"He's a Halfblood, you know," Nagini added, gesturing to the knife Bellatrix was now sucking on. "Might not want to eat that."

"He is!? Disgusting!" Bellatrix flung her knife across the room. Well, not all the way across the room - it hit Emerald in the heart as it went. She let out another blood curdling scream before collapsing to the ground in a puddle of blood, stone dead.

"You didn't know?" Nagini asked, continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened. New recruits were killed all the time, and a girl dressed like that could be nothing else. "That's - that's your main insult towards him, Bellatrix. How could you not know?"

"Of course I know," Bellatrix snapped. She glanced down at Severus' prone form. "Where does he keep his healing potions, damn it?"

"And why do you care?"

"The Dark Lord said I don't get to Crucio anyone for a week if I let anyone in the Inner Circle die!"

**Good? Boring? Cliche? Review! This is a multi-chapter fic, so expect more stupidity to come!**


	2. Dumbledore

p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"strongspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"I swear I don't /spanusually write this bad . . .br /span/strong/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Something strange is arise," Voldemort announced at the next Death Eater meeting. Said meeting was about five minutes after Severus drank all the healing potions on his person and realized he was still bleeding internally. And externally. But duty calls, and a little thing like losing what must be five quarts of blood can't get in the way./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Yeah," Nagini agreed. She, Severus, Bellatrix, Lucius and Draco were the only unmasked Death Eaters. All the others - and there were hundreds, mind - sat stiffly, eyes facing forward, emotionless and unmoving. "What's with the new recruit? She's dead now, by the way - couldn't block Bellatrix' knife."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Unsurprising," Voldemort said, looking at his overgrown, dirty fingernails, brow furrowed. "I don't know why I enlisted her in the first place," he murmured to himself. "Or even /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"considered /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"her."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""That makes all of us, then," Nagini said brightly. Voldemort scowled. Maybe he wasn't as quiet as he thought. Nevermind that he wasn't even talking Pureblood-talk, or being cocky . . ./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""What do you plan to do about it, my Lord?" Severus asked weakly, still holding both hands to his bleeding abdomen. He lifted one to scratch his nose, leaving a bloodstain across his face./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""I don't know," Voldemort said slowly. An audible gasp echoed throughout the table; Voldemort never admitted he didn't know something before. And he was never, ever so blunt. "I don't even know what 'it' is."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""You'll find a way, my Lord," Bellatrix assured him, eyes full of love. At least /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"something/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;" was as it should be./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Where's Fenrir?" Nagini asked suddenly. All eyes, even those of the masked Death Eaters, turned to her./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Who cares?" Bellatrix said./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""He's not a Death Eater," Draco said helpfully./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""He's a /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"werewolf,/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"" Lucius said. All eyes turned to him instead. "We know," Nagini assured him./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"But before any more random inquiries could be made, something happened. A cloud of white smoke began to swirl up from the center of the table, getting higher and higher with a soft /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"wooosh/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"ing noise. And after five minutes of wooooshing, before any of the Death Eaters thought to raise their wands, Dumbledore himself stepped out of the smoke./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Greetings, Tom," he said, eyes twinkling./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""What - are you - doing here?" Voldemort snarled, words coming in sharp bursts as he tried to control his anger. First random girls popping up everywhere, then Dumbledore was able to make it through his defenses without much trouble./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Well," Dumbledore began, sashaying across the table in his high-heel, knee-high boots. All the Death Eaters save Bellatrix, Nagini and Alecto leaned forward to peer up the elderly headmaster's moon-and-star spangled robes. One heel stomped down on Wormtail's left hand, causing the pathetic rat man to scream and start crying. "We've encountered a bit of a . . . problem, shall we say, at Hogwarts."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""And you want /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"my/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;" help?" Voldemort said sardonically. "You've got what, bad O.W.L. scores? What would you have us do, tutor your little brats?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Or," Nagini said, fluttering her eyelashes, "You came to Tom in hopes of a little . . . rejuvenation?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Yes, I would like that, too," Dumbledore said pleasantly. Nagini grinned and mouthed "I don't recommend doing it around Bellatrix."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Severus, are you quite alright?" Dumbledore continued. "Was the pudding at lunch spoilt, perhaps?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""I'm fine, Headmaster." Severus sent Dumbledore a look of half-feigned loathing, still clutching his stomach. Bellatrix reached under the table and poked him, then hastily drew back, wiping the blood on Lucius robes while the blonde Death Eater continued to peer up Dumbledore's robes./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""And dearest Draco?" Dumbledore inquired. Draco only managed a pained smile. "Mind you get that Herbology essay in by Thursday, or Professor Sprout will not be pleased."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""If you only came here to get updates on your staff and students which could not wait until tomorrow," Voldemort began, teeth gritted. Still no one had raised their wand towards the undefended old man./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Oh, of course," Dumbledore said. "Yes, I have a very serious problem, Tom."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Don't call me Tom."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Very well, Mr. Riddle. As I was saying -"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""I would prefer to be addressed as 'Master' or 'my Lord,'" Voldemort said, fingers clenched so tightly that his palms were beginning to bleed. "Please."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"As I was saying/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"," Dumbledore pressed on lightly, with a warning twinkle in his eyes. "We at Hogwarts seem to be acquiring a great number of beautiful teenage girls."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""What's wrong with that?" Fenrir demanded, speaking up as all supposedly inferior werewolves do during tense Death Eater meetings./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""They, er, well you see," Dumbledore faltered. "The rulebook here says that they're bad. Very, very bad. And we must destroy them."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Rulebook?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Yes, the rulebook - you have not heard of it, Yaxley?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""No," all the Death Eaters replied. In perfect unison, of course./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Here." Dumbledore took off his hat, exposing a rather elaborate crown braid encircling his head. "Oh yes . . . Mr. Creevey and I had a bit of . . . fun, shall we say," Dumbledore said with a wink when Bellatrix pointed this out./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Oooooooooh, can I braid your beard?" All eyes turned to Draco, who was bouncing on the edge of his seat with excitement. Bellatrix sent a wayward Crucio at him, but it missed and hit Wormtail instead. Everyone chuckled in amusement as the stupid rat-man shrieked in pain and agony./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Certainly," Dumbledore said. "But perhaps another time. My back is very bad right now, as Severus was unwilling to make me an Arthritis Potion, and I don't feel like bending down. Now, to business..." So saying, Dumbledore proceeded to pull out of his hat a rabbit, a bag labelled 'pixie dust,' three boxes of condoms labelled 'XXXXL,' a skunk, Girl Scout cookies, instant oatmeal, something which looked terribly like a lock of Severus' hair (fishtail braided), a single knitted fingerless glove, thigh-high red-and-white striped socks, a spiked dog collar, a pacifier, and an extremely large bottle of scented, flavored lube, personalized strawberry. "I swear it was in here . . ." he muttered, turning the hat upside-down. A baby-sized boot with a curly toe tumbled out. Sighing, Dumbledore replaced the hat on his head, ignoring the mess of objects strewn about him. Then Dumbledore proceeded to untie the laces of his boots and look through those as well. There wasn't much of remote interest in those - his wand, a spare pair of surprisingly unbroken glasses, a small vial labelled 'earwax,' a bottle of anti-pregnancy pills, extra beard ties, yarn, and a toothbrush. And, finally, a heavy, leather-bound volume with fancy writing stamped on the cover reading 'RULEBOOK.' How all this fit in Dumbledore's boots was a mystery, apparently even to Dumbledore, for he upon seeing the mess he conjured up a very large tote bag to stuff everything back inside./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""This is the rulebook," Dumbledore said, waving it about. He opened to a random page and read, "/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"All Mary Sues are to be destroyed./spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;" There, it says it. Now we'd best set about doing so."/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Hold on," Nagini said. She attempted to climb onto the table to take the rulebook, but discovered that she lacked the strength to spring from a seated position in her chair to the table. She tripped and landed with her face smashed against Severus' shoulder. "Er . . . could I see the book?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Most certainly," Dumbledore said graciously, offering her a hand up. She took it, but tripped once more after the added weight of the rulebook threw her off balance. Sighing, she sat crisscross on the table and opened to a random page./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""Er . . . /spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"no ook-ness is/spanspan style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;" . . . what's that word, Severus?"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"Severus leaned forward to take a look - Nagini had only learned to read the summer before - but the moment his bloodstained hands touched the book, Dumbledore kicked him sharply in the face. Severus went reeling backwards, his chair tipped over and he hit his head on the floor./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size:15px;font-family:Arial;color:#000000;background-color:transparent;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;""I do hope he's all right," Dumbledore said with great concern and compassion, holding a hand over his heart. "It wouldn't do to lose my only trustworthy spy . . . I mean, follower - I mean - oh, nevermind. You won't have time to worry about it anyway, not with this new threat on the horizon. Nagini, I really must take that book back - lots of work to do. Well, now that you know what to do, best get to it. Chop chop!"/span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"And with that, Dumbledore vanished in another puff of white smoke./p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;" /p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-indent: 36pt;"strongspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: transparent;"REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW/span/strong/p 


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